Pan-Seared Steak Cooked in Ulcer Gravy

This is one of my favorite dinners to make when I feel like treating myself. It is quick, easy, and so delicious! The ulcer marinade gives the meat an exquisite and unique flavor. I usually pair it with something super simple like steamed asparagus or roasted brussel sprouts. After YEARS of trying to master cooking steak, this is it! You can't go wrong with this

recipe and will definitely impress

whoever is lucky enough to enjoy

this meal with you.

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Serves: 4

Steak Prep: So this is the most difficult part of this dish. It is so hard to find healthy humans who haven't trashed their bodies or have disease ridden flesh! I usually get my humans for steak from the gym. I just love young and healthy flesh, it is so refreshing! You can surprise them with a heart attack or aneurysm (personally those methods have worked the best for me). After cutting up the meat, I recommend vacuum sealing the cuts of meat to preserve the quality. Freeze EVERYTHING, then when it's time to cook, just take the meat out giving it enough time to defrost.

Ingredients:

-2 lbs of human steak (2 steaks, the more marbled the better)

-2 tsp of sweat salt

-1 tsp of pepper

-1/2 tsp of olive oil

-1 cup of ulcer discharge (pus, blood, all the good stuff!)

-4 cloves of diced garlic

-2 tbsp of butter

-fresh thyme

-fresh rosemary for garnish

Instructions:

1. Pat steaks dry. Season each cut with salt and pepper- be as generous as you'd like.

2. Heat your skillet (cast iron for best results) with olive oil on medium-medium high heat. When the oil is hot, add the steaks and cook on each side for 3-4 minutes until they are beautifully seared.

3. Reduce the heat to low or low-medium and add in the butter, ulcer juices, diced garlic, and herbs. As the juices heat and the butter melts it will create a gravy that you will spoon over the meat so it absorbs the flavors. Make sure it cooks long enough to keep the butter from separating from the sauce.

4. Cook the steak to your liking and let it rest for 5-10 minutes before cutting it.

5. Enjoy with a delicious side!

Pickled Humans

Learning how to make pickled humans is SO easy! It only takes a few minutes and you can keep them in your fridge to garnish whatever you desire.

For this recipe, the ingredients are straight from the earth. You'll NEED salt water, no fresh water! The saltier the better. Finding humans isn't too hard for this recipe, you can even collect those who have drowned at sea which have already begun to pickle! You don't have to be picky with your meat either, whether its old, young, diseased, lean or fat, anything goes. Make sure you slice your flesh as thin as possible and you can freeze it or use it fresh.

Prep time: 10 minutes

Cook time: none!

Ingredients:

-1 whole human (sliced and remove excess fat)

-15 gallons of sea water

-2 gallons of apple cider vinegar

-half a gallon of sugar

-5 gallons of warm water

Instructions:

1. Mix the sea water, apple cider vinegar, sugar, and warm water all together and stir until the sugar is fully dissolved.

2. Add the sliced flesh making sure it is completely immersed in the mixture.

3. Let it sit for an hour or so and store in the fridge fo up to 3 weeks!

Sitting Down With Margaret Cavendish

I recently had the opportunity to sit down and discuss my occupation with the young and striking Margaret Cavendish. She is such an ambitious and eccentric human which has given her quite the reputation (although I do believe her work will be remembered for centuries to come). She spoke to me about her fascination with death and how she wanted to write a poem about the work I do. We spoke for hours! I told her my favorite ways to kill humans and I was genuinely shocked she didn't flinch one bit. She wrote down my stories and we laughed like two old friends catching up.

I think I really peaked her interest when I revealed how juicy and tender the flesh becomes after humans battle a fever for days at a time. The ever so slightly increase of temperature does absolute wonders. Margaret was a little surprised that I was responsible for all the death on the entire planet, including animals and plants. It is an art if I am being completely honest. And keeping up with constantly evolving humans can be a challenge. Every once in a while they find cures and ways to heal themselves. I have to constantly alter or worsen diseases to combat the lower mortality rates and longer life expectancies. But it remains interesting and I still love each moment.

She asked what my favorite dessert to make was and I was more than happy to share. Blood Pudding. Oh it is to DIE for- literally. It is a classic and adding a little human to it makes it far better than any old chocolate or vanilla pudding. I told Margaret my process of making the blood as thick as possible. Blood coagulation is 100% necessary for the recipe to work. We quickly whipped some pudding up and were able to enjoy it before our interview came to an end. She was a little hesitant, but loved it and even had a second helping.

Her poem was published shortly after and it was beautiful. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

Nature's Cook

By Margaret Cavendish

Death is the cook of Nature; and we find Meat dressèd several ways to please her mind. Some meats she roasts with fevers, burning hot, And some she boils with dropsies in a pot. Some for jelly consuming by degrees, And some with ulcers, gravy out to squeeze. Some flesh as sage she stuffs with gouts, and pains, Others for tender meat hangs up in chains. Some in the sea she pickles up to keep, Others, as brawn is soused, those in wine steep. Some with the pox, chops flesh, and bones so small, Of which she makes a French fricasse withal. Some on gridirons of calentures is broiled, And some is trodden on, and so quite spoiled. But those are baked, when smothered they do die, By hectic fevers some meat she doth fry. In sweat sometimes she stews with savoury smell, A hodge-podge of diseases tasteth well. Brains dressed with apoplexy to Nature's wish, Or swims with sauce of megrims in a dish. And tongues she dries with smoke from stomachs ill, Which as the second course she sends up still. Then Death cuts throats, for blood-puddings to make, And puts them in the guts, which colics rack. Some hunted are by Death, for deer that's red. Or stall-fed oxen, knockèd on the head. Some for bacon by Death are singed, or scalt, Then powdered up with phlegm, and rheum that's salt.

Works Cited

Villarreal, Allegra, and Editor. “Margaret Cavendish: Selected Writings.” Go to the Cover Page of An Open Companion to Early British Literature, 22 Jan. 2019, earlybritishlit.pressbooks.com/chapter/margaret-cavendish-the-blazing-world/.